What “This Is Us” did so well
If you are anything like me, you are grieving the end of “This Is Us,” and wondering how anything can replace the Tuesday night hole that will be left behind. I’ll keep hoping and praying for something that comes close, although I do have hope because I didn’t think anything could outdo “Parenthood” and well…here we are. Anyway, on to the point of this blog.
As the end of Katoby was revealed last night, I was awe struck by the way they navigated the divorce process. While one could say, “Easy for them, it’s not real,” I want to challenge you to think about breaking that mindset and considering what that could look like for you (either in your past, present, or for someone you know). Here’s what I didn’t see: adversarial attorneys zealously advocating for their client, no traumatic court hearings, and no finger pointing, blaming, or shaming (once they were in the mediation process). What I did see was a stark contrast to everything that is ever on TV or movies that portrays the divorce process. We see power, pride, insecurity, and high drama in the courtroom play out. We are conditioned to think this is the way, the process, the solution. But, it doesn’t have to be.
“This Is Us” showed people the reality of empowered decision making and leaving space for both people to navigate the process with their dignity intact and leaving space for relational restoration in the future. They didn’t destroy each other’s character in a courtroom or even in mediation. Even the new boyfriend reported he’d heard only good things which allowed for Phillip and Toby to connect and be supportive of their roles as dad/step-dad in the kid’s lives. As Jack grows up, we saw them co-parent and have meals, be at events and celebrate the lives of their kids without awkwardness and anger. What a GIFT to those kids. So let’s unpack it. I get it is TV, but I can assure you, this is possible!
I’m now 10 years post divorce and my daughter is 13. Her dad and I haven’t always had the best co-parenting relationship but I can say, at least for the present season of life we are in, I can see a future where her graduation won’t be divided and awkward. He’s been in the hospital room after the birth of my two daughter’s with my current (and forever) husband, had dinner with us, and I’ve vacationed with his girlfriend and our daughters. The hurts of the past don’t have to be your future if you take the advice of Chris Sullivan (Toby) when he was interviewed by People. He said, “It is possible for people to love each other and for them to not be a good couple.” “It’s possible for people to be a couple and not love each other. The thing with Toby and Kate i, it should be a canary in the coal mine for people to process and treat and navigate their trauma before they get into a relationship.”
This of course takes work and intentional steps before, during, and after your divorce. Before you “lawyer up” think about what you want for yourself, your kids, and yes, your future ex. Do you have excessive amounts of money to give to someone else to make those decisions for you or would you rather keep that money and make your own choices? You can use restorative mediation to have open dialogue about all this and make decisions in a way that sets you up for healthy conflict resolution in the future. We are creatures of habit and if our first experience (even traumatic) was to head to court, we are likely to repeat it. Instead, if our experience was collaborative and honoring of both people, compassionate, and healing, we are able to co-parent more effectively and to the benefit of the children.
I don’t mean to make this sound easy; it is not. However, you have a choice to write your story, your way. I think I would choose Kate’s perspective any day over the alternative as she so perfectly stated, “This is not how our story ends. Just because our marriage is over doesn’t mean our story’s over. We were meant to be together. And now we’re meant to be apart. And one day, you will see it.” I see it Kate, I really do.
